Beginning of love – Part 4.

If you are reading this story(series) for the first time, start from “Beginning of love – Part 1.”

Boarding life can be really though you know. Everyone has their own way of adjusting to things around; we don’t get many things around. Every atom around you is exactly the same as you saw it the very first time. Same people, same classrooms, same grounds, same buildings and same teachers. The only thing ever-changing is you. The inner self is evolving; the brain is a like a garbage truck, picking up anything that comes it way. When you don’t have options, trust me, everything becomes valuable, even a meal which has a slightly different taste is the breaking news in a boarding school. A product of boarding school will walk out more mature and though, though less emotional when compared to a normal school child. These city school kids need a college life to do crazy stuff, on the other end; we boarding school lot are already done with all the crazy things in the boarding school.

When life doesn’t give you much, you end up creating some life for you self or you just end up. I ended up doing both. I created life for me; I would do anything that was different. You become an attention sucker when you don’t have people who really care for you. The only thing you got around you is yourself and an empty mind thriving for the adrenaline rush and dopamine, these are natural drugs which are present in every human mind and it will release only when you do something stupid, something exciting. All the good crazy things are not allowed in a boarding school, so if your natural process is stronger than the laws governing the school, you will end up breaking rules to make yourself happy. Love is number one “Dont’s” of any schools rule book. I don’t think any crime is going to break the record of love.

My friend has given me this Dumbledore lecture the other night and I like a fake replica of Harry Potter paid attention and had secret thoughts in my mind. I had this new desire to excel in life and the moment this desire took hold of me, I landed up in a hell hole known as failed a class.

Yes I ended up one year behind my classmates; our school teachers decided that the only way to get me out of this place was to fail me. They planned out everything and here I was standing on a very thin line known as choice. I had to choose, either I stay and join my juniors and become a joker for the classmates who managed to reach the next level of the most idiotic system of the world called education or I leave and do nothing. I had no life outside school; I couldn’t imagine what I would do outside the closed gates. I had spent all my life over here. I can’t go home. I just can’t.

I was not the only one, all my friends (our group) even my Dumbledore Best Friend had failed and they choose to leave. I read a poem by Robert Frost “The Road Not Taken” in the end it said “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.” I choose to stay. I read this quote somewhere “Sometimes to move two steps ahead, you need to take a step back”. I decided to start again, took a step back. This was the moment when things changed. I am back to same class again with new friends, same books though, they still appear new to me since I never touched them in my first year of the same class.

In a boarding school failing is a big deal. You have all your dignity at stake; everyone knows you and you can’t afford to fail. Rarely a failure would choose to stay back and someone like me who had Godzilla’s ego and Alexander’s pride would never make such a decision.

So my girlfriend is really embarrassed and all that, but guess what she still loves me and I still love the other fair & lovely poster girl.

Did I mention, my new girlfriend was a Muslim! (All is caps). At least her name said so. She did love me a lot. I just took her for granted. I have no idea, why she loved me. But she did and may be still does. First love never dies. Good for me, I don’t remember my first love. For me every love is first love because it’s with a different person.

I manage to act like a studious guy. I appear to be like the British. I am good to everyone but I really don’t care.  I am still miserable at love and relationships. It’s been almost a year that I have spoken to the girl I like and things are not going really well between me and my girlfriend. Since my best friend is no longer around and his girl friend has also left the school, I am not longer bound to any false promises and commitment. I make it very clear to her, here it goes:

aaj ham apanii pareshaanii-e-khaatir un se

kahane jaate to hain, par dekhiye kyaa kahate hain

Me: You are a good girl, but you see, I am not in love with you or something.

Girlfriend: I know that. Tell me something new.

Me: When you are aware of all the facts, why are you still with me?

Girlfriend: Because that way you will not go to someone else.

Me: (In my mind): So even she suffers from a horrible disease known as jealousy.

Girlfriend: All your acting will someday be real. I mean you will start liking me. I don’t want to let you go.

Me: This is not going to happen. This is real life, not a movie. Get over this and move on. I don’t want to rude or something but I also don’t want to lie and hurt you.

Girlfriend: I know but…..

Me: No ifs and buts. You your way, I go my way. We are still very good friends. Let me figure out other things and we’ll see later. I don’t deserve you. You got 87% and I am still stuck in the same class. I don’t feel good about this.

Girlfriend: Sorry now Ex-Girlfriend: (In tears). Fine, I am going but I still love you and I am waiting for you.

I try to flee the place as if I was never there. Breaking up takes more courage than proposing someone. I am back to my old new class. I am playing chess, yes, we had this magnetic chess board in class and if any teacher walks in, we could hide it; the magnet would ensure that the game is not disturbed. This class was free, they had a teachers meeting or something. All the classes were going crazy.

One girl walks in and pulls the chess board, I am 110 degrees, I don’t even care to look at her, I start off like a machine gun “Are you blind, can’t you see we are playing. How the beeeeeeppppp do you take away the chess board. Give it back now….now!” I look at her face, no reaction, she looks at me and orders “She wants to talk to you”. I ask “Who the hell is she? She has a name or something and you could have said so without disturbing me, I was winning after a century.” I realize, she is the best friend of the girl I like. I am apologise for the bad tone and ask “where is she?”. She looks at me with rage “Wait, I’ll call her in, you can’t talk outside.” She replies. I wait in; these 5 seconds are the longest 5 seconds. She enters the classroom, same class room for me and an old one for here. she walks in, her perfume takes over my senses,  I admire her beauty. Her eyes still like the morning sun in White Ocean.  She walks gracefully like a bride on her wedding day. I am blank.

Girl: How are you? After a long time na. Listen, did you break up with your girlfriend?.

Me: (In my mind: The news spread out so fast, it has not been an hour and every living thing knows about it): I am fine. Yes, I had to, I can’t be in a fake relationship, I don’t want to lie to anyone.

Girl: That’s good but she is sad and all that. You should think again.

Me: No, I have thought about it. I can’t do it anymore.

Girl: Okay. And why don’t you talk to me now days.  We aren’t friends kya ?

Me: (Smiling) : Yes we are. But you are in a relationship and I am not comfortable around you. Your so-called boyfriend will turn into a ninja if he knows about this.

Girl: I know. But we should talk. I’ll write letters to you and then you can write back to me, that way no one will know that we talk. I have lots to tell you.

Me: (Cloud 9) : Yes, sure. You figure out the letter delivery part, I’ll read and write back. Thanks.

Girl: Sure. Don’t worry. I’ll manage. You are changed now. Good boy.

End of conversation.

qataa kiije na ta’alluq ham se  // kuchh nahi hai to adaavat hii sahii

[qataa=to break; ta’alluq=relation; adaavat=animosity]

We spoke after a long time, but I felt comfortable, I mean it didn’t really file like I was talking to someone after a year or so. She spoke like, nothing was ever wrong, we are still friends and things are cool. I assumed that this conversation would be awkward and weird etc etc.

Okay. I gain back my senses. Is this for real or am I dreaming. I mean, this can’t be happening. I am going crazy.  The perfume fragrance starts to mix with the air, I stand at the door to catch a glimpse of her, she turns, I look into her eyes, I can see the sun going down, going far.

I think about my ex-girlfriend but I cant help it. I have to move on. I am also worried about Voldemort. If he has to know about any of this, I am so dead. I will have to fight him and all that stuff but I am ready to take the risk.

I can’t wait for the first letter, I am counting every single second. When will the letter come.  We didn’t have mobiles and all that stuff back then and I am lucky to be a part of the love letter culture. I so miss them now. Now anyone can stalk you for days, twitter and facebook is new James Bond. Writing letters is the best thing one can do.

qaasid ke aate aate Khat ik aur likh rakhoon // main jaanta hoon jo wo likhenge jawaab mein

[ qaasid=messenger ]

Letters, friendship, fights.

Click here for Beginning of love – ‘Part 5’.



3 thoughts on “Beginning of love – Part 4.

  1. Anonymous

    qataa kiije na ta’alluq ham se // kuchh nahi hai to adaavat hii sahii-
    bahut khub- par ghalib jab tak Ta’alluq hain, tab tak hai mayuusi bhi.


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